The Perfect Storm

Here is a tale to two converging strange habits (well, old age being the third).

The Perfect Storm

I try to deny my strange habits but sometimes you have to man up and admit your flaws.  I am a bit anal-retentive (I spent 5 minutes looking online to see if it's spelled with a hyphen or not). 

My first strange habit is really not that strange at all.  I have been married for 30 years (co-habitating for 32) so I have had a small round metal object wrapped around my left ring finger for all that time (wedding ring in case you are wondering).  We purchased the ring when we were poor college students so it's not fancy.  In fact, it was on sale and was actually too big for my finger.  I don't know if we bought it out of cheapness or planning ahead (my fingers at 21 vs 81 will be quite different).  So we also put a spacer on the finger so it would fit my skinny 21-year old fingers.

Over the years my fingers started to grow (well, more like swell) and the spacer needed to be removed and eventually that big ring became too small.  As I was increasing in size (the ring was not) I started to fret that the ring would get stuck on my finger.  So, I started a daily ritual of constantly spinning and twisting the ring to ensure it could clear the knuckles and not get stuck. 

Several years later I lost weight and the ring was no longer a problem, but the daily checking continued.  I associate this more of a daily reminder on how much I love my wife, but the habit is still based on my anal-retentive tendencies.

So, there is a second habit that I have that has nothing to do with the first except that it too is anal-retentive in nature. This is about keys.  For some reason I get neurotic about my keys.  I blame this problem on my wife (of course) because in my mind she does not keep track of her keys that well.  She spreads her keys across many key chains (very anti-anal-retentive which should not have two hyphens but I will not look that up right now).  Years ago she often would misplace important keys yet still have a box full of keys/key chains of unknown origin; I was going to be different. 

I compensate for her by keeping a master set of keys all on one key chain (I call the Master Set).  When I started this practice it was to ensure we had at backup in case she ever lost an important key.  This Master Set comes in sections so I can temporarily pull away an important key and quickly reattach to the Master Set so harmony can be restored.  While the keys are separated I am a little anxious. 

The Master Set is our only protection against irresponsible and negligent people who can't seem to find their keys.  I created a list of "rules" with my keys that must never be broken to protect us from doom.

• I keep the keys in one or two locations that ONLY I know.  The permanent location is in my briefcase (top middle zipped pocket) - but don't tell anyone.
• I avoid separating keys from the Master Set - and when I do I am diligent about reuniting them quickly (there are more "rules" here but if I tell them you will know that I am insane).
• I avoid "loaning" the keys to a spouse or offspring.  They, after all, have a history of loosing or misplacing keys while I do not.

The Master Set of keys is now become a small bundle of metal and most keys are of unknown origin (I think I still have a set of keys for a summer camp foot locker from 1999 - no joke). The only keys I really need are a key to my church (rarely used since it's mostly open all the time), a key to my house (very rarely used since we never lock the house) and the mailbox key. This last key is the most highest sacred key on all the Master Set. Over the last several years we have continually misplaced one of our mailbox keys.  So my key, the Sacred Key-of-the-Mailbox, is the most guarded key of all.

Now, a "perfect storm" usually involve 3 separate actions that converge in one location.  My third habit is not really a habit - it is just getting old. 

Last week I could not find my keys.  I mean they were no where to be found.  I triple checked the standard locations and went thru coats, pants, etc and could not find them anywhere.  So I reconstructed the previous days events to see if I could remember.  Anal-retentive people work well from checklists and I had a mental list in my mind.

1. Keys were removed from the middle zipped pocket of the briefcase and placed in special pouch on my bike bag (I rode my bike to the mailbox.  I have a different checklist for using the bike.)
2. The bike bag (we bikers call them panniers) are then attached to the bike.
3. I ride to the mailbox cluster, lean my bike against the wall closest to our mail box slot.
4. I remove the Master Set of keys, find the Sacred Key-of-the-Mailbox, insert the key into the lock (Add item to checklist, the key is sticking in the lock so I need to bring some WD40 next time).
5. I retrieve the mail and place the mail in my pouch/pannier and ….
6. Return the Master Set back into the middle zipper pocket.

I am rattling off the checklist in my mind and recalling doing all the steps above, all except for the last one.  The keys are not in the pannier - damn.

I ride to the mailbox and sure enough, someone found the keys and placed them on the counter in the mailbox cluster. I lost the whole set, the Master Set AND the Sacred Key-of-the-Mailbox, for nearly 24 hours.  Oh the shame….


So that is not the conclusion to the story.

Yesterday I went to the mailbox to retrieve mail and decided to avoid the previous disaster and only bring the Sacred Key-of-the-Mailbox.  The key is small and thin so I added one of those circle key rings that are about an inch in diameter. This gives the key a bit more bulk to I can feel the key is in my pocket.  I am more relaxed but still check my pocket during the day - as a reminder that the Sacred Key needs to be reunited with the Master Set so that we can maintain world order.

The day turns to night and I start to change into my night clothes (more manly than pajamas) I need to take the Sacred Key out of my pants pocket and reunite it with the Master Set that is on the other side of the house.  I decided to wait (too tired & lazy) so I needed to hold on to the Sacred Key of the Mailbox and keep it close to me.  But where should I put it?  My pajamas and robe have pockets designed to loose stuff, so I decide to "wear" the key ring as a ring on my finger.  The trouble is the key ring is much too big and I know I would loose the key.  So, I decided to loop in my wedding ring into the key ring so the Sacred Key of the Mailbox would dangle from my wedding ring.  I am simply BRILLIANT.

I am enjoying my evening, there is peace in the world since the Sacred Key is safe and sound.  I am enjoying a little TV and end up falling asleep in the lounge chair and the rest of the evening is a bit blurry.

This morning got up early and rushed to a professional gathering at a local coffee shop.  I am walking to the counter to get a cup of coffee and instinctively I grab my wedding ring to give it a twist and flex except my ring is GONE.  I start to panic.  Now I was pretty tired last night so I don't remember exactly what happened. After going through my mental checklist, I remember the Sacred Key… then I remember the wedding ring… then I think "Holy Crap, I lost BOTH of these."

I run to my brief case, dig for the middle zipper pocket, and this is what I find: